Notes from the Dark Side

Today was one of those days when the blinders are ripped off and you see your life for what it is.

Not much.

Or at least not what you'd hoped.

Let me preface this by saying that I know better than to blog about work, and that I would never be so stupid.

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I'm a capable, educated person with skills and interests worth exploring (if I may say so myself). Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am bright and clever, creative and funny, eager to be challenged and can do just about anything I put my mind to. Yet somehow, I find myself surrounded by people who think I'm useful only to take notes on what they're saying. Every day I face an unsupportive, non-nurturing atmosphere. Worse, an insulting, sometimes degrading environment where my talents are overlooked and my skills are underutilized. Where I'm interrupted, talked over and talked down to. And the real shame is that I have something to contribute. And they've asked me there, so I assume they want me there, but it turns out I'm just a note-taker recording their brilliant thoughts and ideas while my voice goes unheard.

I tell you, it will kill your soul a little bit every day. And most days, you find ways to look past it, laugh at it, remember that it could be worse and figure that it can only get better.

And then you are blindsided by a day like today. A day that forces you to look around at your life and ask yourself if you're even really living -- to look to the future and realize you have more of the same ahead -- to look back and remember times when you cared about how you spent your days, where it meant something to you -- it was what drove you and moved you forward.



But the moment at hand offers none of that. And suddenly you want your mom and your dog, but both are far away, and nothing is here to console you but tivo, chocolate and stacks of journals filled with entries just like this one.

My maternal grandfather fought in WWII, drove over a land mine and broke both legs and all but a few bones in his body. He was in the hospital for a year before he could even come home. It was doubtful he would walk again. But he did walk again, and much more than that. Until a week ago when, at the age of 91, he had hip replacement surgery. And so pleased was he that they were helping him feel better, all he could say to his doctors was what a wonderful experience it was.



I clearly lack such a sunny disposition and positive attitude. I inherited a lot of traits from that side of the family, but that wasn't one of them. I'm more like my father's side of the family: quiet, introspective, shy and sometimes moody. Throw in my mom's energy, excitability and need to please, and that's me -- for better or for worse.

And today it's for worse. You couldn't get me to look on the bright side right now if you held a gun to my head. And maybe that's a good thing. The truth may hurt, but it's pretty important to recognize it and deal with it, at least every once in a while. Apparently, that's what today was for. I'm probably supposed to take some kind of action or something to make things better for myself now. Sounds exhausting.

Besides, I have a week of Daily Show episodes to catch up on tonight. I don't have time for taking action.