Mixed Feelings

I have had the strangest mixed feelings as the move to Ohio approaches. For the last year, it seems, all I could think about was getting myself to grad school. So much so that I barely made a point of living much of a life here at my mom's. I didn't try to meet new people. I barely socialized with the people I know. I just taught voice lessons, worked to make the grad school thing happen, and watched a lot of DVDs.

But somehow, now that it's time to go, I'm feeling surprisingly sad about leaving. Part of the reason is that usually when I move away it's because I'm miserable where I am. But I'm not miserable here. I'm quite comfortable. I love my students and hate to think of losing them. I have my routine, sad though it may be, of studying all day, going to the gym, teaching voice, and then watching DVDs with Mom and Zack – and I'm quite comfortable with that. Content, you might even say.

So it feels strange to choose to leave a situation that isn't making me incredibly miserable.

Which leads me to another important point – how many people could move home and live with Mom for a year without being miserable? Not many people I know. It has made me realize once again how lucky I am to have a mother who will not only open her doors to me, but who does her best to make sure that I'm comfortable while I'm here. I'm not sure how I can ever thank her. I know I can never repay her (financially or otherwise). For now, I think I'll just make her a lanyard.

And then there's Zack. My little (not-so-little) brother. Twelve years my junior, he has pretty much taken care of me for the last year. He walks my dog when I'm too busy. He helps me clean the house on the days I'm teaching. He basically does all the really gross jobs around the house that no one else can face, in addition to anything involving hard labor: He mows the lawn, he takes out the garbage, he cleans the kitty litter, he moves the furniture, he cleans out the garage. But most of all, he's just fun to be around. He has a great sense of humor and enjoys the same movies and TV shows I do. And he's incredibly smart and already, at 23, has a great sense of himself. He also has a great sense of me. He certainly knows me better than anyone – better than I know myself. He helps me make all my really hard decisions. I suppose he probably helps me with the easy ones too – the phrase "Zack, do I feel like salad or a sandwich for lunch?" comes to mind, in addition to, "should we rent Arrested Development or The Office?" When our young cousin died this year, Zack was our rock. He is there when you need him. He is a really special guy, and I'm going to miss him like crazy. To quote Zack, "It's just going to suck."