Shed It

I haven't blogged in a while because it has all just been too depressing. In spite of doing everything right, I haven't lost any weight. I'm finally on the right track. No more brownies, no more cupcakes, no more chocolate bars. I'm working out every day, and I'm even plugging the numbers in at the dreaded WW site.

I had been trying to keep it light, make a joke of it. But let's face it, I'm working my ass off and depriving myself of all the treats I used to look forward to.

I was not prepared for this to be soooo hard.

I blame my age. I blame the scale. I sometimes even blame Ethan (an old habit).

So here I am -- four weeks into this nightmare of a plan, and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing but distraction, frustration, and really, really tight jeans.

Not to mention the fact that the deadline for my first goal has come and gone.

Meanwhile, the scale just laughs.

***
This weekend on the drive back from New York, I listened to a live concert CD of one of my favorite singers -- Glen Hansard (of Swell Season, Once, and The Frames fame). Between songs, Mr. Hansard, a wonderful story teller, explains the meaning behind his songs. I've listened to this CD hundreds of times, I'm sure. But each time something different strikes me. This time what stuck with me was this line:

"Fuckin' shed it."

I can't remember the exact quote, but the gyst of it was simply this: If there is something in your life that you are carrying around with you - something that weighs you down - something that you don't need and you'd be better off without -- fuckin' shed it.

I smiled when I heard that line. And as I smiled I felt lighter.

I hadn't even realized how heavy I had begun to feel in these last four weeks. I didn't realize just how much this losing battle was sucking the life out of me.

And I wondered... should I give up? Should I just try to accept myself as I am? Is this need to change all part of the usual self-loathing that drives so much of what I do? Would I be better off just allowing myself to be the fat girl? Could I love the fat girl?

And then my devious brain started to churn.

I wondered... should I keep trying but just stay away from scales for a few weeks?

And then I thought... maybe I ought to try P90X.

And then... Wii fit is supposed to be good.

Followed by... what about that boxing video I used to do when I was 22 - the one with the guy with the eye patch. That could be the answer.

By the time I got home I had decided to get up at 5:00 the next morning to take a run.

When I hit snooze until 6:00 the next morning, I went to work angry at myself, angry at my job, angry at my friends, angry at running, and angry at food. All of these things were against me. It was clearly a conspiracy.

Mid-morning as I was working hard not to take a patient's pain on as my own, I remembered the line... fuckin' shed it.

I'm thinking of having t-shirts printed up. But I'm afraid people will think it's a weight loss slogan.