Challenges

I'm into being challenged. Really. I live for it. Otherwise I never would have moved to New York to become a big Broadway star.

Joanna, the successful singer/actress

Otherwise I never would have spent a month at sea, facing my fear of the ocean and chronic motion sickness at the same time.

OK, that's not me diving off of Alvin into the deep blue sea, but I did take the picture!

Otherwise I never would have run a marathon (with a broken foot, thank you very much).

smiling through the pain...

...the next day

But the end has to justify the means. And so far, that's just not happening here. If one more person tells me that this two years of my life is just going to be a blip on the radar, I'm going to lose it. I don't know about you guys, but in my opinion, life is too short to allow any part of it to be just a blip on the radar. I don't want my life to be a blip. I want it to be extraordinary and amazing and spectacular.

I know that most of the time my life won't be any of those things. It won't often be extraordinary or amazing or spectacular. But I won't sign up to have it become a blip. I won't choose that. I just won't.

So raspberries to you blippers. I'm having none of it.

So why don't I just leave?

I don't actually know.

Is it because I'm not a quitter?

No. I've quit lots of things. I've quit lots of jobs that I hated. I quit hating myself a few years back. And in the 3rd grade I quit Eric Frisch (or maybe he quit me. Can't remember for sure). It's not about being a quitter.

Is it because I have a glimmer of hope that it's going to get better?

No. Not really. I've been around long enough to know that things don't often change, and when they do, especially in this kind of situation, it happens very... very... very slowly. Maybe around the time I graduate things in the SLP department will have improved.

OK, so it's not about the quitting or about things improving. Then what?

Honestly, I'm not quite sure. It does have to do with hope though, I guess, though I don't think it's hope that anything in the program will change. I guess I'm just hopeful that this path -- this incredible journey that brought me this far -- is still the right one. And this might sound kind of lame, but I guess maybe it's not wrong enough yet to give up on it.

Or maybe it's as simple as liking Columbus and loving my apartment. And liking some of the people I have class with (except the cheaters -- I don't like, nor do I have time for, the idiots who cheated).

Or maybe it's just that at the moment I don't have a good solid plan B. I have lots of plan Bs, just none that are great. And all are expensive and difficult.

But here's what it's going to come down to: money. If I do end up leaving, it'll be out of necessity. It'll be because of money. This program that I don't like, I'm not learning from, and I'm failing, is costing me over $20,000 a year.

Aye, there's the rub.

God, when I think about that it seems like it's crystal clear. Get the hell out! But to where and to do what? I just don't know.

And until I know, I'm not taking any leaps. For once in my life I'm going to wait and see. Yes, it means continuing to be bogged down with neurology reading and studying, and yes, it means learning about little else, and yes, it means being unbelievably broke for a little longer. But until I know what my next move is, I'm not going anywhere.

But here is what I will do. I will stop being miserable. I will stop forcing myself to study non-stop. If it's not going to do me any good (as the 57% I got on my neuro midterm proved), then why should I? I'm going to run, I'm going to do yoga, I'm going to turn on music and sing and dance, I'm going to dust off my guitar and learn a few new songs, I'm going to eat good food and enjoy the company of nice people, I'm going to watch reruns of Arrested Development and laugh until I can barely breathe, I'm going to watch movies that make me cry, I'm going to go out on a few dates and maybe do some things I won't mention since my parents read this.

On Halloween -- a really bad day for all the first year SLP students because of a cheating fiasco among other things -- I took the time to look pretty for a change. Dressed up a little. Made an effort. Enough that people noticed and asked me why I was dressed up. I told them my Halloween costume was a happy woman enjoying her life.

'nuf said.