Quitting

What?!

2.5 pounds?! I gained 2.5 pounds?!!

Insert expletive here.
For the first six weeks of this project, I joked about the scale. It was picking on me, haha. But this is not funny.

Two weeks ago I had my most successful diet/exercise week. I did everything right. I entered everything I ate into the weightwatchers site. I ate Lean Cuisine meals (wretch!) for lunch most days, and in the evenings I dutifully counted calories and points. I ran 3.5 miles almost every day. Saturday I ran 5.5 miles. The days I didn't run, I hiked at least as far.

Then came Monday - weigh-in day. I had gained 2.5 pounds. I double checked the work scale against the gym scale. Yep - 2.5 pounds. After all that work?

All I could think was: "F*ck this. I quit."

I mourned my failure for about 48 hours. Not 48 hours straight. It came in waves. When I wasn't grieving, I was eating. It was a depressing, yet delicious, couple of days.

During this time, I got a lot of advice. I have listed my favorite bits of advice below:

"Muscle weighs more than fat." -- My muscle must be extremely heavy.

"Maybe you're body has gone into survival mode because you've changed things so drastically, so you're storing fat." -- Genius, body. Genius.

"Scales are evil. Avoid them at all cost." -- My second favorite piece of advice.

"Give yourself a couple of hours twice a week to eat whatever you want. It'll shock your body." -- Best advice. Ever.

It was a rough week as I contemplated what to do next. I bounced between self-deprivation and self-indulgence, depression and defiance, obsessing and ignoring. And then, as I was running today (I haven't Quit with a capital "Q" - I've only quit - small "q"), I realized it was time to go back to the beginning.

At the beginning of this endeavor, I wrote the following:

I'm not doing weightwatchers again. I'm not joining any clubs or using any products. I'm not wearing shape-up shoes, and I'm not spending every day at the gym. I'm doing it healthy, and I'm doing it my way. I'm not sure what my way is yet. But I'll be chronicling it here as I figure it out. Every day. Every pound.

So, I'm going back to the beginning. Today I finally Quit weightwatchers. I said I quit before, but I had only quit (small "q") in that I wasn't recording everything I ate and weighing in. The big secret -- I was still a paying member. And gradually I got sucked back in. I drank the Kool-Aid years ago, and the effects are long-lasting. But today I did it. I canceled my account. I Quit.

It felt amazing. It actually made me laugh out loud.

The other change I'm making... no more scale. I know I set a goal of 30 pounds, and I know I promised to post my successes, pound by pound. But the bottom line?

it's my blog and I'll change it if I want to.

For now, at least... no more weigh-ins. I'm judging my success on how I feel. After all, it's not hard to know if you've lost weight. I don't need a fancy device screaming numbers at me. Either my pants will button or they won't.

Luckily my life gives me plenty of grist for the mill. It does not leave me lacking for blogging material. (Let's face it... I'm fascinating.) So the blog will go on.