Not a day over 36
I know! I know! An update is way overdue. To my three readers -- I apologize.
(Photo: comic-book version of Jo)
So, what's new with me?
Well, for starters, tomorrow is my birthday. No big plans. Monday birthdays suck. But I had some friends in from NY this weekend to do some pre-birthday celebrating. And I'm hoping that, if nothing else, I manage to get through the day tomorrow without creating, participating in, or coming within ten feet of any school-related drama. I'm heading into week three of my fifth quarter of grad school, and though I'm doing my best to "roll with it" (as my Dad would say), my frustration is starting to build.
So, as an early birthday present, my friend Hope feng shuied my apartment this weekend. (Yes, I just turned feng shui into a verb.) I am currently sitting in my "helpful friends/travel" corner. I should actually be sitting in my "wisdom" corner, but I haven't moved my big comfy chair there yet. I have candles burning all over the apartment. And we totally cleaned up the chi in my entryway and hallway, which had been -- well -- not good. The biggest change we made was swapping the bedroom with the office. Apparently, the old bedroom had been shooting poison daggers at my heart while I slept. I will correct these poison dagger corners by hanging crystals.
I don't mean to sound skeptical. In fact, I'm totally digging the feng-shui thing. But the humor of how this must sound to the reader is not entirely lost on me.
In fact, along the same lines, a good friend recently told me that I was carrying a lot of old, useless energy in my left lung. She also suggested that I should work on opening up my heart chakra. I have begun working on this by doing yoga -- specifically sun salutations -- every morning.
Again -- if you sense a flippant tone, it is unintentional. The yoga really seems to help. And god knows my heart chakra has been neglected for years. It's about time I started paying it some attention.
In fact, my tendency to use a flippant tone -- my need to poke a bit of fun at just about everything (even things that I value, it seems), is just one more thing I'm working on these days. I have a feeling that it may be behind some of the trouble I've been getting into at school lately. At school (which is really more like my job, at this point), I've been criticized for being unapproachable and for coming across as aggressive and unfriendly.
I'm really not sure how this happened. I have been giving it a lot of thought, and my latest theory is that, in working for so many years to overcome my insecurity and total lack of confidence, I actually overshot the mark. And now, it would seem, I am being asked to reign it in.
When this issue first came up, I was pretty angry. And upset. And nervous. And confused. I wanted to fight. I wanted to stand up for myself and make them see how wrong they were. In fact, I spent a lot of my summer break fuming about it. I spent a lot of time and energy playing out scenarios in my mind where I told off my supervisors in such a way that, were it a sit-com, the audience would be in stitches at my clever, witty remarks.
Hmmm.
It occurred to me that maybe I'd hit on something there. I could probably come up with something clever to say to my supervisors that would put them in their respectable places. Years of confrontation with parents, step-parents, boyfriends, and bosses has more than prepared me for tough conversations. I'm always ready for confrontation. And I have become ridiculously good at it.
But hang on a second... to what end?
My life, it has occurred to me, is not a sit-com. The lack of laugh-track ought to have cued me in, but I can be a little slow about these things.
It's possible that they (my supervisors) are right. It is also possible that they are threatened or jealous -- or maybe just bored. Or maybe I'm right. More likely, we are both a little bit right. I shouldn't be asked to give up my well-earned confidence. But if I'm doing something to make my supervisors uncomfortable, I ought to take responsibility for that. (Grumble grumble.) At any rate, I am too worn out from the last year of fighting and losing in grad school to do anything but comply.
Ideally, though, I'd like to do it without losing my confidence, becoming bitter and angry, or losing my mind.
So this is my current project. I'm simply looking for balance.
That's where the yoga, chakra opening, and feng shui come in.
(But I'm not ruling out getting myself a punching bag for my birthday.)
I have also been told that I need to work on my poker face. This is nothing new. I've known that for years. For example, often when I think I look like this:
(listening intently)
that I actually look more like this:
(subtle, no?)
or this:
(slightly less subtle?)
or even this:
(listening really, really hard?)
or, god forbid, this:
(does she look approachable?)
So I'm working on my poker face.
I think this might be my best bet.
(I have clearly rediscovered the fun of the iCamera on my MacBook. Time to stop procrastinating and get to work!)
(Photo: comic-book version of Jo)
So, what's new with me?
Well, for starters, tomorrow is my birthday. No big plans. Monday birthdays suck. But I had some friends in from NY this weekend to do some pre-birthday celebrating. And I'm hoping that, if nothing else, I manage to get through the day tomorrow without creating, participating in, or coming within ten feet of any school-related drama. I'm heading into week three of my fifth quarter of grad school, and though I'm doing my best to "roll with it" (as my Dad would say), my frustration is starting to build.
So, as an early birthday present, my friend Hope feng shuied my apartment this weekend. (Yes, I just turned feng shui into a verb.) I am currently sitting in my "helpful friends/travel" corner. I should actually be sitting in my "wisdom" corner, but I haven't moved my big comfy chair there yet. I have candles burning all over the apartment. And we totally cleaned up the chi in my entryway and hallway, which had been -- well -- not good. The biggest change we made was swapping the bedroom with the office. Apparently, the old bedroom had been shooting poison daggers at my heart while I slept. I will correct these poison dagger corners by hanging crystals.
I don't mean to sound skeptical. In fact, I'm totally digging the feng-shui thing. But the humor of how this must sound to the reader is not entirely lost on me.
In fact, along the same lines, a good friend recently told me that I was carrying a lot of old, useless energy in my left lung. She also suggested that I should work on opening up my heart chakra. I have begun working on this by doing yoga -- specifically sun salutations -- every morning.
Again -- if you sense a flippant tone, it is unintentional. The yoga really seems to help. And god knows my heart chakra has been neglected for years. It's about time I started paying it some attention.
In fact, my tendency to use a flippant tone -- my need to poke a bit of fun at just about everything (even things that I value, it seems), is just one more thing I'm working on these days. I have a feeling that it may be behind some of the trouble I've been getting into at school lately. At school (which is really more like my job, at this point), I've been criticized for being unapproachable and for coming across as aggressive and unfriendly.
I'm really not sure how this happened. I have been giving it a lot of thought, and my latest theory is that, in working for so many years to overcome my insecurity and total lack of confidence, I actually overshot the mark. And now, it would seem, I am being asked to reign it in.
When this issue first came up, I was pretty angry. And upset. And nervous. And confused. I wanted to fight. I wanted to stand up for myself and make them see how wrong they were. In fact, I spent a lot of my summer break fuming about it. I spent a lot of time and energy playing out scenarios in my mind where I told off my supervisors in such a way that, were it a sit-com, the audience would be in stitches at my clever, witty remarks.
Hmmm.
It occurred to me that maybe I'd hit on something there. I could probably come up with something clever to say to my supervisors that would put them in their respectable places. Years of confrontation with parents, step-parents, boyfriends, and bosses has more than prepared me for tough conversations. I'm always ready for confrontation. And I have become ridiculously good at it.
But hang on a second... to what end?
My life, it has occurred to me, is not a sit-com. The lack of laugh-track ought to have cued me in, but I can be a little slow about these things.
It's possible that they (my supervisors) are right. It is also possible that they are threatened or jealous -- or maybe just bored. Or maybe I'm right. More likely, we are both a little bit right. I shouldn't be asked to give up my well-earned confidence. But if I'm doing something to make my supervisors uncomfortable, I ought to take responsibility for that. (Grumble grumble.) At any rate, I am too worn out from the last year of fighting and losing in grad school to do anything but comply.
Ideally, though, I'd like to do it without losing my confidence, becoming bitter and angry, or losing my mind.
So this is my current project. I'm simply looking for balance.
That's where the yoga, chakra opening, and feng shui come in.
(But I'm not ruling out getting myself a punching bag for my birthday.)
I have also been told that I need to work on my poker face. This is nothing new. I've known that for years. For example, often when I think I look like this:
(listening intently)that I actually look more like this:
(subtle, no?)
or this:
(slightly less subtle?)
or even this:
(listening really, really hard?)or, god forbid, this:
(does she look approachable?)So I'm working on my poker face.
I think this might be my best bet.(I have clearly rediscovered the fun of the iCamera on my MacBook. Time to stop procrastinating and get to work!)
posted by jolott at
9:24 PM
|
2 comments
